Clarity

My therapist does nothing for me but allow me to needlessly waste breath on his behalf. I learn nothing I did not already know. He teaches me nothing. He does nothing to alter my perception, bring me truth. He told me once that the intelligent and mentally ill often are granted useless insight into their own lives. We can see how pointless and even crazy our thoughts or behavior may be, but we are powerless to alter it. We are merely observers. We can watch the fire burn but are unable to act against the fire.

However, my disdain and frustration gave me focus, and I found the reasoning for my latest depression. It is as it of course had to be, a result to circumstance. My appearance issues, I've discovered, are a direct link in with the sexual dysfunction I suffer from. In her anger and my sympathy our passion has drained from red hot to lukewarm. We are both so distracted. I am afraid to make a move even to kiss her deeply for I wish not to appear fragile, to appear needy. Her anger towards the world seems to detract from her's. I cannot blame her. If I was in her situation, I'd have lashed out at the world many times already.

We are all puppets of destiny, but sometimes we can look up and see the strings. Is it holy knowledge?



With understanding I can now move forward. It is a small, simple matter to fix. And now I know what to focus on. It makes me happy. I miss her more than ever when I know it is such a small matter that impacts me. My love for her is so massive that a glitch in my own mind is barely noticeable.