Examining my Shadow

No, you clod, not literally. The Jungian shadow. I really hate even talking about it, but I feel it is important for me to get down on the page, for myself, the actual nature of my darker side.

I'd like to begin by saying the people around school, especially in my immediate group, most don't know me. I've been told I'm given kind of a wary respect and am treated with caution because people think I'm going to "lose it and kill somebody." I'm rather dismayed by this. Despite being quick to anger and staunchly irreligious, I observe the non-violence of zen Buddhism. Nobody seemed to know this about me. Only a few know now that I've been letting people know that I'm a little gone, but the only person I've ever physically hurt is myself. I've been in fights, when I was younger, where I simply allowed myself to be hit. I kind of like the respect and caution, but, I don't think it's worth the massive misconceptions.

Moving on to the matter at hand. I compare my darker half often with my favorite DC comics character of the Joker, but it's not that good. Sure, I understand him better than most and laugh at jokes usually only he and other psychopaths get, but my shadow simply isn't that fucked up. It's much more...petty. Small. Like a child, really. It's black and laughs about murder and rape and terrorism, but it also doesn't have the balls to do anything. I can feel it angry at me now for even discussing its weaknesses. The masochism keeps me hard to take down in a fight without a knockout, I'm hand with improvised weapons, but most of this is in theory, rather than practice.

Fuck the naysayers. This is how I spent Valentine's day: babysitting my two little cousins.



I may not be a great person, but damn it all, I am a good person.