Fucking ideation

I know I've always scoffed at (un-named person here, legal reasons) for not being able to walk over the bridge at scsu for fear of jumping, but when you're dogged by suicidal ideation, sometimes this doesn't seem so bad. I'm having moments while I'm down here of very bad depression. Probably worse since we're on the 8th floor of our hotel. I'm 10 feet away from a fatal drop balcony. When I stand next to it I'm gripped by terror. But when I'm away from it, the very existence of the option fills me with comfort. I'm not suicidal, but it's...somehow familiar and nice. Like an old pair of worn in pants, fitting just right. And I'm very lonely. I miss Katie more than I'll ever admit to the people who know me. I can't stop thinking about her. The reality of what she said last to me sinks in more every day. She never wants to speak to me again. And I'm honoring this, but I would cut off my right arm to be back with her again. I'll probably never talk to her again, like she wants. And I'll have to live with that.

I had one of those dreams my family have sometimes, those scary prediction dreams. The ones that usually come true. 6 months ago at least, I saw a bad car accident, and it was in the south, and the car was upside down, and my father lay dead on the road. It came back to me as we were driving down. It frightens me. Who knows what might happen? The fear was so intense that maybe, and follow me on this one, I dreamed about me remembering a dream that caused fear. maybe nothing happens but the idea, and the idea so horrible it scares me enough to bear importance to my mind. I haven't mentioned it to anyone. I don't think I should, either. How could it change anything? It couldn't, so why worry them? I have no impact on how things happen. They just happen. It's a big event, something I couldn't affect if I tried my hardest.

I'm sickened by my appearance right now. Crash diet when I can, need energy for finals, but after that I'm going into crazy diet. :D

So lets summarize, shall we?

Scared, but not suicidal. Terrified, but not self-mutilating. Worried, so worried.

Lonely.

I want a tattoo, they make me feel better. I'm going to try and get a tattoo soon. Despite zero funds. i'll......think of something.