A) The status quo. We stay where we are. fight and reconciliation. Separated and together. Pain and doubt on my side, confusion and hurt on hers. It's where we've been, though we're trying to make it better. If neither of us can fix this, if together we can't fix this, it's where we will remain.
B) We fix this. I find a way to kill my sex drive or she finds a way to bring hers back. Or maybe we can find a happy medium. A happy medium is where I want to be. We're in love, we make love, we are together, we show affection. Neither of us has to force things, force physical aspects, force affection, force a mask over our face to hide the hurt, force the hurt in our eyes to not show if we can. I love her, she loves me, we should be able to find a happy medium. True love isn't supposed to be easy. Marriage isn't supposed to be easy. But it will be worth it. If we can do it.
C) The option I don't even want to address. She gave me a long dialog last night she'd been building up to, about how if we keep having problems like this I should do the right thing. It'd be wrong if there's no way to fix this to stay, even if I can't bear the possibility of being without her. She doesn't want a marriage where I'd be miserable, especially when she doesn't even notice that there is an issue. I guess this means I need to communicate to her my needs more appropriately.
I'm often told to make lists. Maybe we should make lists as to what we want and need, so we can evaluate if we can be that for each other.
I'm very scared right now. I don't know who to talk to about it either. I see my psychiatrist on Thursday and am seeing the state disability doctor on Friday for SSDI evaluation.
I'm very scared right now.
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