I always suspected that nothing in life mattered. Now I know for sure.

There's a lot going on right now that I need to address, and I will address all of it, when I am ready. But that time is not yet here. I've been so...off, today. There are Darien updates, and for perhaps the first time in the history of this blog, there are Alissa updates. I'll inform everyone when I can. But it can't be now. I don't know why I can't write about it now, but I can't. I do need to push out a dream recollection from last night that has stuck with me all day.

I'm embracing someone. A woman. I don't think she really exists, or if she does, I've yet to meet her. If this is a prediction dream, I'm going to just...I hope it's not. I'm holding her against me. I can smell her. She's small, and frail. Her hair is jet black, or so it would seem. The strands on her forehead seem a lighter brown. Her eyes are brown, and large. She has freckles. She is looking into my eyes. I am looking into hers. Something in this moment moves us past being two people and the connection is solid, like a foundation, and it is real, and it is deep, and in my mind and heart I feel a burst. She tells me she loves me. I feel it inside, I feel it like a vice on my heart, squeezing me, screaming at me to say it, begging me to say it and just let go, but I can't. I want to, and I can't, because I know it's a lie. I know there isn't anything real to embrace when I say it, just another dependency on an emotion that runs my life and rips my, for lack of a better word, soul in twain over and over again. I just can't say it. And she's hurt, and she's tearful, and she stands above me, and I sink. She is a giant to me, curled in the fetal position at her feet. Blue jeans, white sneakers, so specific. Please don't be a prediction dream. I'm crying at her feet and I want to let go but I can't because it's artificial. But, I think it might be the only choice I have for happiness. She is my monolith, inspiring my heart to learn new techniques, new adaptations for living.

Can I knowingly live a lie, and maintain who I am?