Reflections on turning 21

I bought purple jeans today. Happy Birthday.

This "will he won't he" business with Darien is exhausting. I'm doing all I can. Today we went to the build-a-bear workshop so that he could make Jennifer the bear he promised her. He doesn't know how he'll get it to her. In all likelihood I'll be given the responsibility after he's gone. I'm alright with this. I've come to terms with all that mess. I just hope his family will be alright. I worry about his sister. Inherent big brother taking over, worrying about little ones.

I revised some poetry earlier. I modified it to meet the criteria of my poetry class, but in retrospect, those people's opinions were whack. I've returned to the original theme and expounded significantly. I like it a lot. He's just so upset about the Jennifer thing. After another long, long conversation I found myself welling up in anger, and retorting to him how my pains are every bit as severe as his. Something about birthdays, I reflect on what a waste it all is. To this day I have no regrets over anything, but I still miss her. I did the only thing that had a shot at making her happy, and I will always have to live with my choice, but I still hurt. I was hoping to see Jess tonight. She just broke up with her boyfriend, and I wanted to hold her, and we could cry together after releasing the emotional burdens of solitude within each other. But, alas, she is nowhere to be found. Texting and calling appear worthless gestures.

I'm all torn up inside for some reason. what is it about a day, a day like any other, which pulls all this out of me. Tears welling up as I old back the urge to reminisce. But so many things have been coming up lately. Sarah's voice in another girl's mouth. Valerie's smell on the air. And Katie...just her presence. Not here, but, the absence of it, in my soul.

I need....someone.