It's not going to be a good Autumn

I have to wait until December to get a Red Lantern ring. There is no ring I deserve more than the red one. Check out their oath:

"With Blood and rage of Crimson red,
Ripped from a corpse so freshly dead,
Together with our hellish Hate,
We'll Burn you all, that is your fate!"

Today there came a great deal of trouble from my automobile. I was going to allow Lexi to drive with me, but the brake light came on. I did some research and found out that it's probably one of a few things. Google gives me answer regarding a vacuum leak at the power brake booster or possibly a defective brake booster. Run me about 150 in parts I think. We'll see what mechanic says. I called AAA since the shop is 1/4 mile away and a tow is free under 3 miles. The car is really not what is important in this blog post, it's my reaction. Fear gripped me first, but then I just started seething. Came close to taking it out on Bubbe, but I didn't thankfully. But I'm just so angry. I want to be a super villain. I want to end all life on earth. I want to plant nuke after nuke all around the equator and set it off, breaking the planet in half and sending the chunks plummeting into the sun.

I'm surprisingly stable, to be honest. Meds I'm on must be working. Of course, nothing ever does it completely. I'm quite obviously stressed to myself, even if I don't show it to others. The eyelash pulling I've been playing off as me just wanting to get rid of them is quite obviously a case of Trichotillomania. I started when Katie and I were going through a hard time, then stopped for a while, and since Darien hovers so close to death, I've started again. Of course, I'll have to stop soon. I think I've got less than a dozen of them left between my two eyes. I don't like pulling in other places though.... Maybe once the lashes are 100% gone, I'll stop completely.

For a few minutes tonight I strongly considered calling an ambulance to take me to Yale Psychiatric.

My stepfather was angry and nearly yelling about something while I was freaked out about my car. The air between us is heated. It's been weird with him lately. Between him and I, there's an interesting time line. Ok, it's not interesting, but I'm going to post it anyways so I can make a point.

Divorce - life sucks, I hate him.

Realization of new male influence - I think I tried to electrocute myself about that time. Age 9 I think. Whatever. I tried to show affection and got nothing.

New house - life sucks, no friends, started stealing for money, dislike and fear combine for him.

Middle school - Start medication for my head, hate him.

High School - on and off meds, dislike him.

College - tolerated and for a while we were good. Until recently.

He keeps drinking more every week and getting angrier and angrier. For no reason. The advice I was given by friends back when was to fight him. And today, as he grew angry at me while I was freaking out about my car...I came so close to hitting him.

Mind if I quote Palahniuk?

Tyler Durden: Our fathers were our models for God. If our fathers bailed, what does that tell you about God?

Narrator: No, no, I... don't...

Tyler Durden: Listen to me! You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you. He never wanted you. In all probability, he hates you. This is not the worst thing that can happen.

Narrator: It isn't?

Tyler Durden: We don't need him!

I've got two average men as role models. Extremely average. At times, they both dip well into mediocrity. Emotionally? I can sum it up like this:


I love my mother very much.


When I get out of this house, I'll be horribly in debt, and most likely without a job waiting for me since I'm a member of this "Lost Generation" I keep hearing about. I'll have my piece of shit car, my overweight body, my body of writing which is only worth a damn to a few people. I finished that Joker story and I'm very proud of it, but where will it go beyond this blog? I'll need to do around 50 hours of work on Darien's book/blog before it's in a state to be published, and I don't know if I could get it out with much ease. Joe's book will take work too, if he ever even starts the thing.

I will never abandon the women of my family. My Bubbe, my mother, my sisters, my little cousins, I love them all very much. Mind you, familial love is the only one left that I still believe in. I want a partner in life, but I don't believe in romantic love anymore. Or marriage. Or procreation. And my biological father has supported me many times, and our similarities are unavoidable, so I'll keep him in my life. But Thomas? There's a good chance that after I've left this house, this country, I'll never speak to him again.




Under a lack of automobile imposed house arrest, this is Ben G., signing off.