I'm dissapointed in myself

Ate too much, will need to detox. Lots of water and exercise. 1500 limit tomorrow.

"The most practical, beautiful, workable philosophy in the world (Ana if I don't start seeing results) won't work - if you won't. "




Tomorrow better than today

yay dieting

1550 calories today. This will be a good day. Tomorrow I will lower it to 1000, maybe 13 or 14 hundred. I can diet on the welbutrin. This makes me happy. I can finally go back to the weight I want to be at. I don't look fat now, according to most. But I will drop back down.

Current weight: 222

original weight before that bitch seroquel got in my system: 185

Goal weight: 175

It's on. I'm back.

Your honor, I would like to rescind my last blog post...

Fuck my life.

As I was walking up the stair I met a man who wasn’t there. He wasn’t there again today. I wish, I wish he’d stay away.

Random little rhyme because it was used (way too often) in the movie I saw today.

Moving right along,

I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!

No I didn't meet her online. Ok maybe I did technically but fuck you she's awesome not a creeper well actually she can be a creeper but so am I.....

We've been bestest friends for 6 months, and I've said for a while now that were it not for our sexual dysfunction we'd be together. But we're in love, so fuck it. We'll figure something out. There's lots of things for people with sexual dysfunction. I have a huge libido, she....doesn't....we'll figure something out. I know we will.



Love you Lauren/Paxton

Different kinds of love....

I love her like oxygen. Oxygen: It's always around, and we take it for granted. It's like, man I love breathing air. No you don't you moron you love oxygen. You just breath everything at once and your lungs figure it out. Taken for granted.

She loves me like oxygen is loved by a drowning man.

This is a pretty big difference. Is it bad?

I'm calmer, but still just as concerned.

I mean, whatever happens happens. I just wish I knew what was going on. I don't. I think I love an idea and she loves a memory. And that's wicked unhealthy. I'm using the word wicked a lot lately. Huh. Freudian slip if there ever was one. From panic I want to end it again, but maybe I'm just freaking out because this is new? I don't know if I can handle crushing her again.

Oh shit oh shit

I don't think any of this is real. I think it's all in our heads. I think she loves my memory and I love the idea of her, like I used to. Frick frack fuck.

I'm making onion rings

Spent day with Rachel, going to hopefully make it to all 4 classes tomorrow, but my stomach has been iffy. I've been nauseous as fuck too. Right now I'm ok though. One way or another I'm going to poetry tomorrow. I'm reading, like I seem to do every Thursday somehow, despite random chance dictating I could have read on Tuesday. So Rachel and I are back together, I think for a while. I can't tell. I've been so emotionally out of whack lately. The thing with Tabitha, the thing with Heather. I don't know where I'll be tomorrow, but right now, I love Rachel, and she feels the same.

I think I'm going to end up hurting her, though. Again.

So it's comes to this

After freaking out and badgering Heather for a day, I had one of those revelation things. I was very much upset by my psych course last night because we basically talked about, well, me! Not directly, but my issues were what we covered. So last night after all this I went home, was bitching online, was very upset online, and my ex Rachel IM'd me, asking if I was ok, if I wanted to vent.

Long story short, we're back together. Longer post on this later. But for now, I'm happy again.

Saw Tabby today, visit ended with

"You're a great friend"

We both said it. I think that's pretty clear, I don't think I can be with her as anything more. I'm just glad it didn't go farther than it did.

Medication side effects are fucking with my body, badly. I feel icky, wanna jump out of my own skin. Doc gave some basic advice, and now I'll take all the meds at night. I hope it helps.

quick post

"Imagine a court of one: the queen a young mother,
Unhappy, alone all day with her firstborn child
And her new baby in a squalid apartment

Of too few rooms, a different race from her neighbors.
She tells the child she's going to kill herself.
She broods, she rages. Hoping to distract her,

The child cuts capers, he sings, he does imitations
Of different people in the building, he jokes,
He feels if he keeps her alive until the father

Gets home from work, they'll be okay till morning.
It's laughter versus the bedroom and the pills.
What is he in his efforts but a courtier?

Impossible to tell his whole delusion. "

-An excerpt from Impossible To Tell, by Robert Pinsky.



I feel, that in all I do and say and act out and believe, that I am the child, my mother the world. That's all for now, I'm off to work on an essay on the Power of Quotation.

Up, and about, and listening to rap

The Chronic this morning. Can't go wrong with a visit from the Dr.

Done with my treadmill run this morning, going to shave and shower, meeting new girl, name of Tabitha, this afternoon.

Peace.

Last night's dream

I dreamt that my watchmen pin came, but it was all wrong. The package had about 100 pins in it, all wrong. I looked at each individual pin, found what was wrong with each of them. None of them were right. They were all close, but they were all wrong.

What does it mean?

Watchmen is an amazing film

I'm going for my second viewing in about an hour. Go see it, maybe see it with me. That is all.

Approaching something similar to understanding....

I think I've sorta kinda figured out whats going on. I love people I can fix. An ex I had was a lot of things, but to me I think she was just a victim I could care for. A rape victim, dumped by her perfect guy, hated her job, her meds made her always tired, and we both complained about our lost loves to each other. The sex was spectacular, and when she fainted in the shower, I caught her, and watched her. I cooked and baked for her. And after she was gone, I was upset. I cried over her. I didn't cry over all of them.

I think I love the broken. Well, not love. I latch onto the broken. I hate that so much about myself. Why can't I make her just not matter?! Why?! These new meds give me understanding that is terrible and accurate and I love it and hate it.

Yes, I know I should stop posting about her, it creeps even me out.

So I've been thinking, and here's what I came up with.

Things I hate about her: duplicity in comments regarding romance, and the fact that she likes guy I hate....and will never even like me.

Things I love about her: Everything else.

Even the things that bother me are endearing and....fuck why did I ever have to meet her? It's fucked up my life. I want to meet someone for whom I feel as much...almost responsibility for, like by not being with her I'm not doing my duty. The only other person I feel that for, or rather felt that for, was Avery. She was/is very broken. I loved being with her, I felt like I was taking care of her.

Is that what I want? Someone broken I can fix? Someone as fucked up as me, someone who reflects my issues and feeds my narcissism?

What do I want?