She likes the sickly thin types, eh?

Fine. Fuck it. I'm going Ghandi. I'll get there. Bet your fucking ass I'll get there. :D

I dreamed with her in it last night

I think it was a hallway of my old high school, but it could have been any high school. The lockers stretched on past horizon. She walked with a few friends, I with another. We met in the middle of the hallway and I listened to her complaining about her ex. Half of her friends left her and walked with me, and she sadly, angrily walked away muttering to herself. I thought for a moment, then shouted back, :You'll always have me there with you." Confusing syntax, upsetting dream. I woke up after she turned back. I can't recall her expression.

I've been thinking about a lyric to one of the songs I like. It's her favorite band too.

can you extract me from my plastic fantasy
i didn't think so but I'm still convinceable
will you persist even after i bet you
a billion dollars that I'll never love you
will you persist even after i kiss you
goodbye for the last time
will you keep on trying to prove it?

She will never reciprocate. Her words. Cold and sterile. Thought out.

I don't know what I'm doing. Talked to a friend last night. Apparently I'm as bad as her, or could be. I've been better this semester but I still need work. What comes out of my mouth has improved considerably. My "mannerisms" haven't. I didn't even know that was an issue until yesterday.

How many real friends do I have? Hard to tell now.

Meds kicking in about to pass out

But my point stands that technically you'd be as guilty as me, even with the local legal definition. First text was mean, the rest of the back and forth and especially the 3 texts after I thought it was over already would give me roughly the same amount of basis for harassment as her. Despite all appearances, I am not a big enough of a douche bag to go that way unless I have to. I don't like getting cops involved in my stuff. It simply wasn't harassment. Except for the first text, which wasn't even that bad, everything was a reply to you.

Blocking me is awesome. Thumbs up.

Very sleepy, for the readers I give a damn about, actual deep post comes when I have the time.

I'm a dick, not a criminal.

Under the United States Code Title 18 Subsection 1514(c)1. Harassment is defined as "a course of conduct directed at a specific person that causes substantial emotional distress in such a person and serves no legitimate purpose".

I sent 1 mean text, got a mean reply, and the rest was insulting banter. Was I being a dick? Absolutely. However, my one mean text was sent with the purpose of bluntly saying why I'm not interested in seeing her. I got an insulting reply. I wasn't harassing her at all, especially by legal means. She posted the transcript herself. She was as insulting if not more than I was. My intent was not to cause emotional distress. My intent was to get her to stop talking to me, granted, in my own dickish way. The total amount of texts sent is less than 20, and they were all but the first one in response. Oh, and after all this, like 2 hours after I'd fallen asleep, she sent me THREE texts, one long message, which was insulting. As it stands presently, I think I have actually a better case then her. But regardless, as my friend Lindsay informed me (she's been stalked and harassed like a motherfucker, it sucks), it takes more than 100 texts in a day for it to be harassment, and also the harassed usually asks for it to stop. She continued conversation. If I was told to stop, I would have immediately.

As for the slander on my friends bullshit. I went with 6 people I think, and I was discussing the matter with my group of friends, not shouting it out. I was amused, was laughing, and was asking how to appropriately respond to her comments. I honestly don't know who typed it, don't know whose phone it was, or who hit send.

Oh, and I have no plans to ever talk or text to you again. And I seriously doubt whoever texted you saved the number.

I hope this brings the matter to a close.

Best Night Ever.

So today was free short stack day at IHOP. It rocked my socks off. Darren, the good christian, dropped 10 dollars into the charity...receptacle? Big plastic cylinder. For 2 bucks I got hash browns and sausage with my free short stacked. I brought a bunch of people, we laughed, told horribly vile and disgusting jokes, played with the waitress, and I was rude, mean, and insulting to an ex I really wish would stop contacting me. Weeks of cold shoulder did not get the message across well enough. Man, what a great night.

Real deep blog post tomorrow probably. I've got stuff written down but I don't want to dig it out right now. Sleepy times I think soon.

I promised one, so here it is

Hell yeah.

I kind of just assumed she'd check out my blog.

Just because she's paranoid, like me. Researching recent events just to give oneself a sense of knowledge and security about a person. I wonder if I'm one of the only people who follows her blog. I don't think I'd want to officially follow it yet. She'd probably think it was creepy. Which I guess it sort of is. Anyways, I assumed she'd respond to me soonish. It's far more likely she wont respond at all. I wrote a poem yesterday, while under the influence of this weird idea that she'd get back to me within 24 hours. A good poem came of it:

The Dawn Paradox

Waiting for her to answer, twenty-four hours in the twilight of fantasy, dancing in the imagined garden of earthly delights. Soon she will refuse me, soon the garden will burn. The petals, like burnt papers drifting down from a third story apartment fire, falling, the earth scorched. I wish desperately to believe in a creator, a God, so I’d have someone to focus my hatred upon. But I can’t find faith in him anymore than she can put faith in me, and we are both lost in the miasma of every societal catch twenty-two. There is no winner. One merely loses less spectacularly than the other players.

Not too shabby. I think I'll have it work shopped in 2 weeks. Anyways, I'm gonna go get dressed. Have to drive Bubbe around. Also, I need to wear my GL shirt to match my GL ring. Pic later today.

Missions accomplished:

I HAVE MY RINGS!

My flash outfit and green lantern outfit are now improved vastly! (Squeal of glee). Pics soon I promise.

I reached out to the lost girls through a third party and one of them has agreed with me to undo the letter of no contact thing. I'm gonna leave a message on what's his names voice mail tonight so he can call her and confirm. This makes me happy. Upon reflection, I don't really care if I ever talk to the other one again.

It's odd. I've been thinking about that stuff all day. I wrote some poetry, an essay, more poetry, and I keep coming to the same conclusion. I know she doesn't care about me anymore. Not that she ever did to begin with, not in that way. I was a friend. I was infatuated. I believe I still am infatuated. I treated her like a child, I treated her like a leper. She and her compatriots deemed me demented and tried to have me detained. In the time we've been very apart, she lost her beloved, and I mine. In oddly similar situations too, were our roles reversed. I knew it was over and absolutely crushed my ex. I think he did the same to her. I made an idle threat against him ages ago, warning him not to hurt her. I succeeded in scaring him, but I'd never do anything. God, that was almost a year ago. Both single, again. Both damaged goods, again. She's seemingly apathetic, and I'm a little saddened by this. I'm truly sorry about what I did, and I may never myself be forgiven. I've forgiven her.

I know I'm replaying Icarus, like I often do, but I can't help it.

Despite it all, I love her still.

Examining my Shadow

No, you clod, not literally. The Jungian shadow. I really hate even talking about it, but I feel it is important for me to get down on the page, for myself, the actual nature of my darker side.

I'd like to begin by saying the people around school, especially in my immediate group, most don't know me. I've been told I'm given kind of a wary respect and am treated with caution because people think I'm going to "lose it and kill somebody." I'm rather dismayed by this. Despite being quick to anger and staunchly irreligious, I observe the non-violence of zen Buddhism. Nobody seemed to know this about me. Only a few know now that I've been letting people know that I'm a little gone, but the only person I've ever physically hurt is myself. I've been in fights, when I was younger, where I simply allowed myself to be hit. I kind of like the respect and caution, but, I don't think it's worth the massive misconceptions.

Moving on to the matter at hand. I compare my darker half often with my favorite DC comics character of the Joker, but it's not that good. Sure, I understand him better than most and laugh at jokes usually only he and other psychopaths get, but my shadow simply isn't that fucked up. It's much more...petty. Small. Like a child, really. It's black and laughs about murder and rape and terrorism, but it also doesn't have the balls to do anything. I can feel it angry at me now for even discussing its weaknesses. The masochism keeps me hard to take down in a fight without a knockout, I'm hand with improvised weapons, but most of this is in theory, rather than practice.

Fuck the naysayers. This is how I spent Valentine's day: babysitting my two little cousins.



I may not be a great person, but damn it all, I am a good person.

Valentine's day schedule

Wake up: 10 AM

Noon-now and still ongoing, babysit my little cousins.

So not a romantic day, but it was filled with love. I've been watching these kids since the older sibling was a newborn. I'm their go to babysitter. And I do love these kids. Littler one's been in bed for an hour or so. Older one is asleep on the couch.

Much love <3

-Ben

Almost Valentines

After I ended it with Rachel, and it was a short thing too so ending it wasn't so bad, I came to the conclusion that I should be alone for a while. Perhaps 6 months to a year. I'm going to stop looking, try and stop thinking about it. Just going to be Ben for a while.

Professor Mock gave me a yes on being my honors thesis adviser. This makes me super happy. My novella rest at 89 pages. It needs work in the middle, but I need to step back and re-evaluate where it really needs it. I can tell I'm so close to finding where I need to work. I know the first part still needs some sharpening and 2 small areas need to be filled in, but I'm....I'm so close. I can taste it.

Today was semi-productive. Slept through alarms, AGAIN. New meds are evil. But I have 3 alarms set for tomorrow, and my little sister as a just in case agent will knock on my door around 7. I've worked out tonight and will shower and stuff tonight before bed so I can just roll out of bed tomorrow. Got fingerprints done today so I'm only a few steps away from being able to substitute teach in West Haven. Amazing, I'm going back to that place. At least this time I'll be getting paid, right?

SSDI told me to fuck off

I still don't have a therapist to give them a report. They based my rejection on a lack of a report, not a negative report. God I hate this government and/or country.

I just need to get my book(s) done. Nothing else matters. I finish my work and that's it. If my book is done and I kill myself at 25, I'm OK with that. Fuck, I've been ok with dying by thirty since I was a teenager.

Nothing matters anyway.

I feel guilty because I'm not as thin as I can be, will be soon hopefully. Mostly emotionally dead.

Fuck it.