Downward spiral

On a heavy ana kick, and I cut my left thigh today, used a razor blade. It occurs to me that I do have fresh razors I could have used, but c'est la vie, I cleaned it well. Well, I am cleaning it well, I should say. It's still bleeding. I need to make the K permanent. Every time it scars, I need to open it again so it stays. She will have a memorial on my body. Of anyone, she gets one. She's got a new boyfriend now. I'm sort of happy for her. I mean, I want to be. It's hard to force it when really I just feel dead inside.

I bought lunch meat, for a sandwich. I'm afraid if I have a whole sandwich it'll start me up on a binge, possibly a purge.

I need a support system. I have family, but....I just can't turn to them. Friends I'm iffy about. I hate feeling vulnerable. I'm so rarely myself among them.

Kaitlin knows what I'm like. She sees through me easily. I wonder how many people really do.

weirdness....

I feel like by being alone, I am missing out on the beautiful things couples can see. And I guess it's pretty pathetic, just me being lonely really, but the beauty in the world seems so much bigger, and scarier, when you're facing it alone. Everyone I know has someone. Even my ex has someone now. I made the right decision regarding her, and only my solitude motivates my nostalgia, but I still feel the pain. I want someone to share all this with. So few people understand me. So very few, though I want to let more in. I'm desperate for more. But who?

I'm trying to be more open with people, show my nice side more often. I don't like putting it out there, it's risky. However, I bought people some tacky gifts at Disney, made me happy. I know Lindsay will love what I got her, buying other people stuff is weird. Can't decide who gets what.

I bought people souvenirs? Who the fuck am I? Where did that fucking come from?

For my mother

About 500 calories now. I'll keep it at a steady low number though. That's my limit for today.

Crash diet update

I wrote out the word "CONTROL" on a piece of paper and pinned it to my door.

40 calories today. Lots of water.

I speak with a tone of finality

We come home late tonight, leaving around 3 AM to avoid traffic. I worry still, and I've been getting more and more depressed as we've been down here. I purged after lunch today, planning on skipping dinner if I can, head to bed early, take a few extra seroquel to force it.

Low hopes.

Fucking ideation

I know I've always scoffed at (un-named person here, legal reasons) for not being able to walk over the bridge at scsu for fear of jumping, but when you're dogged by suicidal ideation, sometimes this doesn't seem so bad. I'm having moments while I'm down here of very bad depression. Probably worse since we're on the 8th floor of our hotel. I'm 10 feet away from a fatal drop balcony. When I stand next to it I'm gripped by terror. But when I'm away from it, the very existence of the option fills me with comfort. I'm not suicidal, but it's...somehow familiar and nice. Like an old pair of worn in pants, fitting just right. And I'm very lonely. I miss Katie more than I'll ever admit to the people who know me. I can't stop thinking about her. The reality of what she said last to me sinks in more every day. She never wants to speak to me again. And I'm honoring this, but I would cut off my right arm to be back with her again. I'll probably never talk to her again, like she wants. And I'll have to live with that.

I had one of those dreams my family have sometimes, those scary prediction dreams. The ones that usually come true. 6 months ago at least, I saw a bad car accident, and it was in the south, and the car was upside down, and my father lay dead on the road. It came back to me as we were driving down. It frightens me. Who knows what might happen? The fear was so intense that maybe, and follow me on this one, I dreamed about me remembering a dream that caused fear. maybe nothing happens but the idea, and the idea so horrible it scares me enough to bear importance to my mind. I haven't mentioned it to anyone. I don't think I should, either. How could it change anything? It couldn't, so why worry them? I have no impact on how things happen. They just happen. It's a big event, something I couldn't affect if I tried my hardest.

I'm sickened by my appearance right now. Crash diet when I can, need energy for finals, but after that I'm going into crazy diet. :D

So lets summarize, shall we?

Scared, but not suicidal. Terrified, but not self-mutilating. Worried, so worried.

Lonely.

I want a tattoo, they make me feel better. I'm going to try and get a tattoo soon. Despite zero funds. i'll......think of something.

3 quotes, and then some disussion

"All your followers are blind.
Too much heaven on their minds."

Said by Judas to Jesus in Jesus Christ Superstar.

"A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it."

- David Stevens

"Collective fear stimulates herd instinct, and tends to produce ferocity toward those who are not regarded as members of the herd."

- Bertrand Russel

I had this discussion with Noreen about people's beliefs and tolerance, and I just kept getting angrier and angrier. Why do we have to put up with something if its wrong? I'm all for being a good person and all that. After all, I am a humanist. But, I keep seeing this stupidity. These wrong opinions. Why do we have to put up with them all? Tolerance breeds peace, but not tranquility. It's a peace just barely there. The discord bubbles to the surface. I don't even go against religious people now. For the most part I think they're fools, but I'm not explicitly fighting with them anymore. Hell, since that Rx drug trip made me hallucinate Gods I'm even an agnostic. But I just want to rage at these god damn fools. Human progression is slowed by foolishness. I'm not advocating a coup where the intelligent rise up to rule, I just. I dunno. I wish I was in Denmark. I wish I was in Sweden. We should be at that level now. We should have moved past this ridiculousness.There are more non religious people now than ever before, and our numbers keep growing. But when will we arrive to our Jerusalem? If you are part of what keeps humanity down, why should I tolerate you? You are a parasite! Darren is a good person, not possessed by his silly superstition. I can support that.

Common sense people. Being a good person is all that matters. The rest is nothing but detrimental. A crutch humanity hobbles on with.

I've been annoyed by this for years. I don't know when I'll get over it. To religious people who read my blog: no offense intended, just venting.