On a heavy ana kick, and I cut my left thigh today, used a razor blade. It occurs to me that I do have fresh razors I could have used, but c'est la vie, I cleaned it well. Well, I am cleaning it well, I should say. It's still bleeding. I need to make the K permanent. Every time it scars, I need to open it again so it stays. She will have a memorial on my body. Of anyone, she gets one. She's got a new boyfriend now. I'm sort of happy for her. I mean, I want to be. It's hard to force it when really I just feel dead inside.
I bought lunch meat, for a sandwich. I'm afraid if I have a whole sandwich it'll start me up on a binge, possibly a purge.
I need a support system. I have family, but....I just can't turn to them. Friends I'm iffy about. I hate feeling vulnerable. I'm so rarely myself among them.
Kaitlin knows what I'm like. She sees through me easily. I wonder how many people really do.
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