Draining the venom

Is there a way I can just...turn off my sex drive? Temporarily mind you. I love it when it's doing what it's supposed to. As opposed to doing what it's so very good at, poisoning me socially. In the past I have hit on every girl I've ever talked to for more than like 2 minutes. It's hilarious, yes, but it also has hurt me in the past. Being a slave to it allowed me to be used for sex, at least twice. The first time it was my fault. The second time, I should have seen what was going on.

Maybe I did and just ignored it.

I nearly killed a friendship that has become increasingly strong as time goes by with a now somewhat close friend. Even though it does seem like I may have used her for sex, I feel horrible about it, have apologized profusely, and remain her friend. If we are a bit detached at times.

My old tryst spoke to me today the way one addresses an old relative they've forgotten the name of. It hurt, badly. Every word she said I just kept thinking about the closeness, the physical intimacy. I still have photos of her on my PC somewhere. I couldn't bare to delete such gestures of trust.

But she seemed so far from me. So detached. She talked about her wedding plans. I wonder at what point after the affair she decided to not invite me. Was it after the afternoon in her dorm? The evening at her home that trapped me in the snow? The drive home took over 2 hours that night. I nearly crashed several times.

I'm with this...fantastic, unbelievable woman. Her name is Katie. For those of you with poison in your thoughts of me, accept it and move on. None of you were this, none of you were here, knowing me like she knows me. And, slowly, she is knowing me. But not biblically. We have saved that step for a later date, when she is comfortable and the emotional ground we tread on could hold mountains. And I'm not worried that I'm wasting time, or that we wont get there. I know we're going there. I know we'll get there. Time is all that stands between us and a complete trust.

It comes down to definitions.

For me, sex has been used....almost as an icebreaker. I feel filthy and horrible even typing that. But I'm not as bad as others, even others I know. For me sex was not really emotional, but a way to mimic them.

I always look for the connection. The unspeakable link between 2 people. Sex allows you to feign this. Nyx did that with me. It's why we "worked." We are both accommodating lovers. We do what we need to for our partner. For me, this was mimicking emotion, even showing me the hints of love, a love she would never, could never, feel for me. I doubt even for anyone. With Katie I'm feeling the emotions, we're building this unspeakable link in our words, oddly enough. Our shared feelings, experiences. And soon that closeness will be there.

But my libido will not cease its scream. Inspiring annoyance at her cuddling with me. not the act itself, but the idea of being together but not being one. I know it is what I want, and waiting for her to be ready and our true partnership to begin is perhaps the best decision I've ever made. But I am screamed at constantly.

And I am terrified that it will scream too loud and terrify her. Blow out my eardrums and throw me into the arms of some waiting whore. So many of them all around me every day. I have the reserve, I have the will. If I can be anorexic I can ignore my libido. And I have never once, nor will i ever be, unfaithful. But where is all its energy going to go if I really can shut it down, ignore it?

I do not know.