fifty-fifty

The human brain is a monstrous creation unworthy of the smallest speck of envy. I've been told by many that I've a "fascinating" or "unique" mind. The truth is, I hate it. Yes it's interesting and I can serve as an example of human ingenuity and worth for what my brain conjures, but the way it treats my life, when I know it's wrong, makes me want to cry.

I spent time with Katie today. We fooled around a bit. We held each other and watched TV. Now she lays beneath my blanket, napping on my bed. She is beautiful, she is my partner, she may very well be the one, but I'm being assaulted. I hate to beat a dead horse, but if I don't find a way to substitute this lack of dopamine healthy life apparently is rife with, I'm going to have a breakdown. Even when I am allowed the most primal releases my head screams out for more:

She must say she loves you!

I've never loved so completely before and I long to say it, just to give my feelings voice so I can see if they ring true. But that is not how things are done. She knows I am falling in love with her, but until I went on my most recent medication I couldn't say anyone I was with I ever loved at all. We need to wait, even if it is only a small bit longer, before letting loose the river. If we don't, as so few ever do, we may drown, as the rest have. So many before us have fallen into that well without the rope of stability we are building to keep the descent measured, to keep the sunlight in.

You should be having sex. WHY aren't you having sex??

Because we are waiting for the strong emotional bond. We want to make love. And for real, not just what I've been deluding myself with for a year. I've answered this time and time again, but I just keep being asked. Every time my answer is ignored I want to cry. I don't have control over my own head. In my twenty years I've built a labyrinth even I know not how to escape. Crawling within it are monsters, and somewhere, lost to time and circumstance, is my self. I want it back.

Other women would be yours, could be yours! Why waste your time? Abandon this one and seek the embrace of the hedonist, inside and out!

But why in any logical world would I want to abandon this woman for just sex? That's not who I am. It's not who I've ever been. At least I never wanted to be. I left Avery because it was just about sex, and Jess wanted love. Jess got love, but I found none for her. Katie arouses me in every way, and I just want to be with her. That's all I really want. A life without my counterbalance is not attractive to me. I feel like part of a whole when I'm with her, I really do. Emotionally she is a bit detached, but I know she cares for me, is falling in love with me as well.

And yet, I left her sleeping side to pour this on the page. I keep thinking about how much I wish I could just turn that part of my brain off and I want to cry. I'm on the verge of tears right now. I'm even weighing the pros and cons of mutilation again. I don't even have my good knife back yet, but I am picturing it more often. It's black handle, ruggedly sharp teeth. Cutting has always been better than sex. Not making love, but having sex. Cutting only hurts one's own body. With empty sex you harm another. But now that someone in my life cares for me, it is not an option. If I hurt myself it would dismay Katie significantly. The other night I talked about how upset I was and my connection died. She thought I'd left, that I was hurting myself, and she felt terrified. It was "the scariest minute of my life," she said. And I believe her too.

So I'm waiting to have sex because it's what is healthy, and for Katie and I, it is what is right. When we make love it will be of no comparison to my wasted women of past times. I know it to be so because she makes me so happy. Because we are so connected. And I will not cut because it would hurt her, and then it would be detrimental to myself. And I cannot eat too much because this is unhealthy, and it would make me fat. And I cannot exercise too much because then I would be exhausted and unable to do work. And I cannot buy something because I'm down to my last cash. By the end of this week I will be bankrupt. I've applied for my SSI, and I've applied for jobs, and this weekend I will beg relatives.

I'm running out of money. I'm running out of ideas for how to keep myself OK. I'm running out of composure for the rest of the world. I'm letting this out here, now, so I won't just grab her under the covers and weep into her.

I'm scared. I'm conflicted. I'm terrified.