Like the Longines Symphonette I do not rest

No, I'm not 100% sure what the literal meaning is either, but I have a few things to say here. My first topic is of course the concept of predestination. I'm not going to sum it up for you. If you know it, keep reading. If not, hit the link and then return here. I feel that predestination in some form or another actually is true, despite my atheism. Weird, huh? It's not really contradictory, see, I think there is a universal order and ultimate purpose to the universe as a whole and therefore every last bit of minutiae must be in its place for creation to unfurl in its proper and obligated way.



As Prometheus says, "even Zeus cannot escape what is fated." There have been moments in my life where I have felt a unique and unmistakable sense of this purpose. Inner peace isn't the right word, but it's the first that comes to mind. Perhaps enlightenment because I feel detached, removed from reality and observing the strings pulling us along. When I began work on my book I felt this way. A screaming static that rolls through my stomach and infiltrates the hollow behind my eyes with arcing blue energy. My book is not of all that much importance in the grand scheme of things, I know. I've yet to even assure its publication, but it is what I am to do. It's one of the things I was meant to do. Not a little thing like opening a door for a person downtown who then carries that kindness into letting another driver go first but that driver was on his way to kill someone but then he got there before he expected to and was stopped by a police officer who saw him checking his gun and the police officer attempted to bring him in but was caught by the man first, and lays dying on the street right now. Did my opening the door kill that man? In a small way, yes. It all goes back to chaos theory. Life is made up of billions of variables like this. So every now and then I feel this pull, not for creative expression, that's entirely different, but a pull towards purpose. It is not linked or a cause of happiness or despair. It is but happenstance to the emotions of the moment.

I feel this way again now. I feel it when I'm holding her in my arms. Am I happy? I'm infatuated, it's early, and I am orgasmically happy. I'm doing it all right. We're avoiding the physical aspects for a while, enhancing the emotional connection. Katie and I are suddenly close, after a past of some animosity. But, when we suddenly really saw each other it was like a supernova. Her mother likes me, her brother likes me, even her cat Mittens has approved. My family has reciprocated in kind. My littlest sister adores her more than even I.

When I am holding Katie in my arms I am home. I will maintain my composure, keep myself restrained physically, and continue to live happily. I feel as if the nite-lite brightening my soul has finally been plugged in. I finally can crawl back up into my psyche again. It's been months since I could get in there. It's no longer a vast calm world. I see it now as a fluttering of images I must interpret. The odd calm of my mind with part of me shut off was far too unhealthy. I am myself, truly. And I am by her side, honestly.



But i'm still me.