Pipe Dreams

We're not going to get that house. I was a fool to think we could. I'd have to sell my book, she'd have to make a good deal of money. We simply can't. She wants to sell so that she makes enough to live on, for a few more years. Knowing my luck she won't live much longer, the house will go to the bank, and my last memory of her will be of her apologizing because there's no way we could ever afford it, Katie and I. We leech off of our families, the job market is worth than nothing, and we don't have the savings. If we were to be married tomorrow and try to move in together, we'd have to live in my room, in my parent's basement. God that's depressing. I don't know where we will go, what we will do.

Why is it that seemingly every woman I've loved comes from some shattered home I need to rescue her from? Has society sunk as low as I'd thought? I always think the worst so I can, every now and then, be pleasantly surprised when people really are decent.

I guess I'll live past 30. I have a reason to, now. That struck me tonight, that I suddenly didn't have my 2 classic back up plans.

1. Live out of my car until greener pastures show themselves. Not do-able when you've a partner.

2. Suicide. I've a partner now. Her life is mine and mine is hers. The option is simply erased.

It's an odd feeling, the lack of power I suddenly felt when I noticed this. The sudden escape plan I didn't have. I can't go off my meds, either. Insanity is the escape chute I'm no longer allowed because it would be irresponsible. There are times when I'm hopeless that I miss it though. It would be the ultimate in irresponsibility to simply up and vanish, and I've known since I met her that I can never live for just myself ever again, for I have her. I have purpose. But, the path I must follow to provide for her, to get a house, to do all those things, I can't divine it.

Where do we go?