I'm seemingly myself, yet not. It's unsettling. Every day I wait for my appointment to see my therapist stretches on like silly puddy; each moment seemingly malleable in my grasp of reality. I am for the first time in, well, let's be honest, months that only seemed like years, I am depressed as all hell with no reason behind it. If I have to do some extrapolation I'd say I'm a bit sad about my car, but sadder still about the way I handled it, or rather how I neglected to. I have all of these things I'm supposed to do to help me deal with my fear and panic and anxiety and sadness and the omnipresent urge to hurt both others and myself, but I did not think. I did not stop and count to ten. My car broke down on Saturday and it took my mother showing up and giving me a direct order for me to come to the realization that I would not die there on the pavement; that I do have AAA and it's not a difficult thing to get a tow, even if coming up with cash for the repair is. I'm coming to the recognition that dealing with my real exes is not going to get easier with them hanging around my social group or area. And it;s only going to get worse from here. My old squeeze, Sarah, the bipolar witch who said she loved me and then ended it over the phone and didn't even have the decency to return the knife she borrowed so that I could kill myself. Don't give her too much credit. She's just a forgetful bitch. No forethought went into that. It's only getting worse now that she's seeing a friend of mine. I took her from another friend and I now have full appreciation for just how awkward and uncomfortable all of this is, but the friend just slept with her.
He didn't love her.
Then again, I wasn't medicated while I was with her. so who knows what I really felt? I know I loathe her now. I take comfort in the fact that Lindsay, who is fast becoming one of my closer friends, hates both her and her friend I was forced to tolerate months back. So here's a personal note: Sarah and Corrine, stay the fuck away from me. Corrine's now ex, I pity you, and as I helped you move in with her back when, you are welcome in my home and in my company at any time.
It's amazing how strong a bond men who've been burned by similar women can have. Like the bond soldiers feel, I think.
That's why today was terrible. I've realized that I've gotten my distance from Valerie. It took a year, but I'm there. I realized today was her birthday as kind of a nonchalant off the cuff thing to say. I said it to whoever I was with, robin I think, as an aside. It's my ex's birthday. And that's ok. But seeing Sarah hurts. especially seeing her kiss Sebastian. Just a peck on the cheek and I was, I was boiling, to be honest. Tristan was sitting across the table from me and gave me a concerned look. apparently I was twitching. My lips curl into snarls sometimes.
Tashi came up to compliment my new hair color today. I'm still angry at her, I think. I brushed her off.
Amanda and I ended up sharing an elevator the other day. Not just any elevator; Our elevator. The elevator we had our first secret kiss in. I think she's still with her fiance'. I heard from a friend that she hates me now. I guess I would too.
I've seen Heather around. I feel nothing for her. I don't think I ever did. We share occasional uncomfortable hugs, and she waves at me warmly.
Jess was with me when I had my car breakdown. Get it? It's a double entendre! Awesome. So my car is in the shop and I myself am...patched up. I just can't deal with things. I had a bit of a relapse. When I got home I calmly and methodically sliced open my skin with my card-knives. They're sharper than I thought. It didn't take much effort. These will be a few small nice scars, to match my left leg. Jess said if I ever do it again she'll leave me. I can't say I blame her, and I hope my desire to be with her outweighs my desire to hurt myself. It's tough to not even play with blood so close to a relapse. I want to taste it, to paint with it, but all I can do is lick my wounds.
My family doesn't know about these ones. Nor will they, if I can help it for a while at least.
So everywhere I walk now I've been praying for a car to sideswipe me. As I was driven home today I closed my eyes and leaned back in the seat and just prayed silently for a fatal accident. Or even just a bad accident. Hurt me. Maim me. Cripple me. A coma would be a blessing.
This added stress that I don't know how to deal with makes me concerned about finding work, as if it wasn't hard enough to find already. I can't find a job, and when I do, they make me suicidal. Stephanie wants me to look into SSDI for mental disease or disorder and I do qualify. I guess I just thought I wasn't that bad before. But I think if I had a job with all this I would lose everything. I'd cut, I'd lose Jess, I'd lose money, go in to more debt, and just take the easy way out like people have been doing since time began. I guess that would leave Steph alone though, so I can't until I know she's ok. Jess is tough enough to go on without me. Steph...I'm not so sure.
My depression is manifesting itself in physical symptoms a bit. I'm getting nausea and constant vertigo. And I'm cold. I hope my shrink gives me more meds. I hope my therapist thinks I can get on SSDI. Not having to worry about money so much would be a load off my shoulders.
I don't know how to explain really so I'm going to just type out a few words, like poetry, to try and explain a bit. Few if any who do read this will understand anyway.
Bleak and terrified and chilly.
My hands tremble while I type.
My head hurts and my world spins.
I'm waking up alone again, more alone than I was yesterday, but not in a physical sense.
I'm doubled over in bed.
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