Answer: Kindness.
Am I kind? I know at the very core of my being, when you strip away every layer of bastard, I'm nice. I'm a "good person." But what about the rest of it? My behavior and my attitude and how I act the other 75% of the time. After all, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I don't know what the point of being good is when you squander it so often. I know I'm basically good. I don't know if that's true of my species. I don't have the faith it takes to believe something like that. I imagine it would be nice to feel something like that. And while I've been an atheist a long time, it's not like I don't see the appeal of religion. All full of puppy dog tails and star shine. Kidding, no offense my religious friends. I just don't see human nature as good. Does anyone truly believe that? It's fun to dream. So moving right along to tie this in with current events...
Why does Jess stay with me? Absolute freak of nature I swear. Those I try to keep close always leave me, so why hasn't she? Those I am a bastard to somehow always stay right with me. Robin, Steph, I've damaged them both, and still they stay. Steph and I are best friends, but the wench? I don't get her. Why do those I treat well often go and those I do not stay? Is that the test of friendship, of relationships? Then why wont the parts of me I hate remove themselves? I'm running again. Woke up early today and did a few laps around the block. My weight is 190. I can't believe I let it get this bad. I want to carve off the extra flesh with a motorized carving knife. Crash diets wreak hell upon one's body so I can't do it, can't commit to starvation, because I know it's so bad. But I do so badly want to. I was once at 183, at my very, very lowest. I'll settle for dropping to 185. Or at least I'll try to.
Jess is going to make an attempt at dieting. I'm not sure if she has the will for it like I did and do. Eating less, exercising more, etc. It's hard to get started on. Once you're committed you just fall into it, like sinking into a too soft couch cushion.
God, I'm losing it again over 5 lbs and an itty bitty tiny speck of stress? Fucking pathetic. I get even more depressed by how depressed being a little depressed makes me. Life is one huge vicious ouroboros on which we run forever chasing down our head and shoulders as they drop out of sight in the distance like the last bit of sails proving to us unequivocally that the whole of existence is cyclical, and nothing drops away into a magical world at the end. We all just keep running. And on that note...
End of Toonami last night made me a bit sad. Not just for me but for my youngest sister, for her generation. We're raising her well, I know, but the world is not growing into what I want for her, what I want for my own children. Where are the young ones going to go for entertainment, and after that, what about moral guidance? We live in an increasingly secular world, which is a logical progression, but why is moral decay not dropping right along with the march into the future?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ut8kZZwV3Eo
I wanted to write a lot more but I'm suddenly so tired. I'm drifting while I'm watching Eternal Sunshine and I'm gonna lay down now.
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