Would I be happier if I was cutting? Perhaps, but then she'd be mad at me and it'd cancel it out.
She just left. I was going to go down to my room to try and see if I could cry. Despite my depression I've found it impossible to cry. I thought tonight would be the night to let it out, but my sister needed a ride and I sucked it up. Back in my room now, I teeter totter over the precipice of tears but not finding the surrender necessary to let loose. I don't really know why I'm so sad all the time. Our heated discussions are part of it though. She's always angry. I feel that I can't do anything to please her. I haven't stopped trying. I made her a wallpaper, cooked for her, offered massages. I don't know what to do. She's always upset. She talks to me at length about how horrible her life is from work and school and finances and she's completely right. I feel all I do is make her worse.
That paragraph helped. Break for crying now.
Hell and damnation, only a few tears. God, when this wall breaks I'm going to completely break down. I'm not looking forward to it. Odds are good it will be at Christmas. Because why the fuck not?
So yes, I feel all I do is make her worse, make life somehow worse for both of us. We've got all these fucking plans and ideas that jump up but then get shot down. The house is impossible. She no longer wants a wedding so all those plans have been wasted. Her plan to work with a real bachelor's degree is essentially impossible. I'll need to support her with my English degree. How am I going to do that? There are jobs, but I'd made peace with the fact that there may be times in my life where due to no jobs I'll have to live in my car. We can't live in my car.
I'm so upset, so fucking upset, and there's nothing I can do that will fix it. My antidepressants don't do anything anymore. I swear they're like fucking placebos. I'm upset all the time, upset and fucking wishing for it to end. If only her family would see the light, or she would just take control of the situation. I don't know how she could really. Impossible. Pipe dream, like the house and the good paying jobs and the bliss that comes along with love. I know even the best couples need to work at it to get it right. It's stupid of me to assume we'd be automatically perfect because we're in love. But I was shocked when I realized I could love her so much and still be so depressed all the time.
Some of my time with her today granted me a reprieve from it, a time where I felt blissful again. The rest left the status quo. Once or twice I felt worse.
I'm writing some short fiction now.
No comments:
Post a Comment