Reflection

No breakfast for her today. No breakfast for anyone. I ate a long Italian chocolate cookie for sustenance and waked into the shower. My weight is 206. That's 16 pounds of pain and failure needing to be removed; by any means necessary. I took a long shower today instead of making a rushed meal. She will forgive me. She always does forgive me. It's my presence she longs for, not my culinary creations. That isn't to say they don't sweeten the deal though. I needed a long shower today to think and contemplate my options. I confessed to my mother and grandmother yesterday how hopeless I've felt lately, how depressed and even at times suicidal. Empathy and concern were expressed. I vented to them, shouting at times, about the injustices of the world. Nothing made me feel better. Stepping out of the shower my head and shoulders rest in fog. I see nothing but a worthless body with no head. A physique that would be abhorred, even by a desperate medical student needing cadavers. No more food today for me. Water, and caffeine, but no more food for me.

I've a therapy appointment at 11:30, and a reading of one of my poems at school around 7:30. I look forward to neither. I look forward only to pain and exercise and weight loss, and sleep. And when the world allows me, her.