Sanity in layers

So many variables, so much minutiae. Why is it so hard to keep up? I'm on all my pills, I'm eating, I'm exercising, I'm writing a little, I'm sleeping a healthy amount, but I'm still going through cycles like a motorcycle stuntman in a metal sphere. I felt today like I was two different people. I do well with a bunch. With my family I am alright, to good. Great with Bubbe. We're closer now than ever. It makes me happy. But at the same time I see that she is getting older. I worry she will not be here much longer. It's probably just anxiety and she'll be around for years longer. Or maybe not. Impossible to say really. I do not worry too much about it, but it does make me sad.

In public today I ranged from caustic to friendly. I made small talk at length with an old man in a doctor's waiting room. He spoke with a southern accent of some sort. He was pleasant and upstanding in a queer undefinable way. I choose not to argue with him over the morality or motives of management in some stores.

Back at home I quarreled with my mother. I believe I perceived a larger argument than there was. I think she is used to this by now. I thought about how little my father knows me today, and I thought harsh, violent thoughts towards some of my family. It occurred to me that this was silly. But I did not feel regret.

I think I have levels of sanity in each arena of life. Social skills, family relations, friends, love. I haven't seen my friends in over a week. Katie is hardly ever around, or enthusiastic to see me. I know she does, but I find myself wondering if she even cares. She doesn't tell me so, she doesn't make any effort to come see me. She will chastise me for not just telling her this after she reads it. I love you baby, don't mean to upset you. You are my best friend, my shoulder to lean on, the one person I know I can count on, you're the love of my life, you're my one and only, you're my everything. I love you so much.

Darien says I should try to call her, hear her voice, that it will help. I will try this soon, I hope. I do not know her schedule too well. She often has to fill in for someone. This is not her fault.

Life is taxing on all relationships, from the smallest meeting on the subway to the love of your life.



No, I'm not depressed, I'm just getting into the holiday spirit.